The role of empathy in the personal trainer's bag of skills is often underutilized and undervalued. A trainer without this skill is much like the physician or surgeon who has no bedside manner, clients just don't want to come see someone who doesn't "get" them or who doesn't take the time to try. Everybody knows the trainer who has had the same clients for 5, 6 even 10 years and some with little visible changes. Most likely this trainer has the ability to empathize with his/her clients. This article will take a look at the purpose for empathy in the training relationship as well as some key methods increase your empathy skills.

Let's start by saying what empathy is not. Empathy is often confused with sympathy which is feeling for someone. An example is when a client talks about their struggle with weight and the trainer says that sad or sorry. Caring is important but is not empathy. Empathy isn't commiseration either. I sometimes watch young trainers who have had their own issues and successfully worked through be too eager to share their own story. It sometimes feels like a competition, oh you're 30 lbs overweight; well I used to be 60 and look at me now. That is the best way to tell a client you aren't listening!!!! 

Empathy is a form of verbal and non-verbal communication used to portrait the message that you can feel what they're feeling. It is communicated by attentive, active listening. A key here is being able to read what someone is saying with their non-verbal cueing and placing you in their shoes. It is really important to not necessarily use experiences that mimic most the clients, but to call upon emotions that the client's is emitting. We all have similar experiences, but please understand that each individual brings a different history with them so the same experience will be different to each person. One person might feel angry where another might feel loss or fear. If you draw too much from your experience and not your emotional history you can get it all wrong.

Things to watch out for:

1.         Your own experiences: This can be a killer. Your experiences aren't your clients!

2.         Skipping to teaching: I understand you do your research and read all the articles on PTont he net, but acting the part of the rabbit often leaves the client behind.

3.         ASSUME you know what they feel or are going through: we all know the adage but it is one of the biggest killers in displaying empathy, clarify!

4.         Butting in: let the client talk, sit through silence when you're trying to get the "super why"

5.         Ask closed questions: This is ok for the ParQ, but not for history taking and goal development

6.         Letting the client off: When you get the feeling you are not getting the whole story, you probably aren't.

7.         Avoiding uncomfortable questions: Do you have the support of your family with this endeavor?

8.         Missing the check in: pre-programming too much based on where a client was the last time you met with them emotionally or not taking the time build repore on a session by session basis. Clients need to know you care!

9.         Non-verbal give-aways: just like in sports turnovers cost you the game. Rolling your eyes, squinting, shoulder movements, arm positioning, head tilts all send a message, practice and use a mirror.

10.       Failure to mirror: Leaning in or leaning out is a simple postural spacing that send a message, make sure it is the right message

In my opinion empathy is one of the most important keys to motivation. It is really difficult to motivate your client if you don't know their fears, their reasons for specific goals, and their general emotional state. Pushing someone who has no self confidence or is emotionally fatigued is a great way to undermine one's goals before even starting.  At the same time babying a client because you feel sorry for them may breed contempt. No one wants to be treated like a child and especially someone who may be treated that way often.  Some clients need to be wowed with your style or experience and some can feel overwhelmed by it. Knowing a clients frame of mind and their emotional positioning can give you the clues. Even the same client may need a different approach from one session to the next.

Empathy's biggest benefit is in maintaining clients. Who doesn't want to go spend regular time with someone who just seems to be there for there physical betterment and also for their mental and emotional release? We in the fitness profession spend tons of hours trying to understand human movement and how to improve on it, but little time on meeting the mental and emotional needs of our clients. I not advocating personal trainers becoming psychotherapist, absolutely not, but I am advocating tapping into the abilities we all have to be truly human and caring. Many people have far too few in their lives who are, becoming a part of their lives in this way enhances your ability to maintain the client/trainer relationship for a longer time.

Last but not least, be sure to refer out when you feel like you are in over your head! Going deeper into a client's emotional and mental make-up will sometimes uncover issues you are not trained to deal with. Add a psychotherapist to your list of referrals for this situation. You don't have to lose a client considering exercise will likely be the first thing a psychologist or psychotherapist will prescribe and your sending the message to your client that you truly do care.